Northern Ontario has turned once again into a real life Narnia during the reign of the White Witch. Doesn’t hurt that I have an old time-y looking street lamp in my front yard either. Mr.Tumnus however is a no show. Bloody Faun’s, always running later than a White Rabbit.
With winter has come a crushing anxiety every time I get into a car. I hate it. I’m trying to just accept it and laugh it off, but ever since we rolled over off the highway last March during a snowstorm I’ve not felt secure in a car. My Dad assures me it’s just be a matter of time, having had a massive truck t-bone him when he was in the passenger side, an event I only just learned of as well.
The whole thing feels so weird. I’ve been writing bits and pieces of a larger story for the past few years, the catalyst of the drama being a car crash and the death of a young married couple. And going through paper work, I found a comic I started working on, separate to the other story, sketched out desert landscapes and a dream of crashing and dying which turns into reality.
Black heels turned red with blood. Again, another couple in a car. Losing what you love the most.
This was well before any of the events of last March, and the thing that unnerves me the most is how accurately I captured the emotions and the experience of such a crash, yet having never gone through it myself before. Maybe some of it was drawn from having seen such events in film and tv over the years, but there were details in my writing about this that would have been hard to know unless one had gone through it themselves.
Maybe it all stems from Sarah’s death.
I feel such a sense of guilt sometimes that I’m still here and she isn’t…
Oh my, this is turning all LJ now isn’t it? Well, life isn’t always fluffy velvet coats and lipstick posts.
So, I’m still trying to work through and process all these feelings which are being dredged up again now that the winter has returned.
I’ve also been rather obsessed this year with Bat For Lashes latest offering, which hi, WTF, is a concept album “that follows the story of a woman, whose fiancé dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding. The album follows her as she decides to go on the honeymoon alone and her emotions as she deals with the tragedy.”
The videos are beautiful and full of desert, neon landscapes and Vegas vibes. I feel so strange viewing and listening to this album given all that’s happened, and where my own marriage was held just last October.
One day I might finish that story. For now, I’m just thankful.
2016 has taken a lot this year, from a lot of people, myself included.
But it didn’t take him. And every time I get into that passenger side, I look over at my love and think how bloody lucky I am to have him still, and hope that the accident last March is the only one we ever know.
Images by Neil Krug for Bat For Lashes ‘The Bride‘.