Grief feels like drowning.
At least to me it does. A mixture of struggling against the waves as they hit you one after another. Gasping for air, fighting not to be pulled under until you finally are and then everything gets really slow and you’re just floating, suspended.
I’ve been pretty quiet lately because of, well, grief.
And for as much as a I feel like I have an understanding or a handle on death, I’m never quite prepared for the insane torrent of emotion that happens in the wake of it. Wave after wave of different raw feelings hit me, hardly able to catch my breath in between. All the while part of me is numbly aware of everything, distant and observing, waiting to resurface.
At this point, you might be wondering who has died.
It was Jasper, our darling cat, my constant companion and friend for the past 7 years.
His health had been touch and go the last while, but it seemed manageable with the right diet. This year though he started taking a turn for the worse, I think we kept hoping more meds or the right meds would fix it, but they didn’t and he was too far gone and in a lot of pain. It was crazy to see how quickly he declined towards the end, which at least I suppose he didn’t suffer, a kindness in the quickness of it all.
I still wasn’t really expecting that he would die though…
Do you ever find that though you logically know and understand something, as much as you might try to rationalize and explain it to your emotional side, it just doesn’t cut it?
I’ve experienced the loss of loved ones that have been expected, unexpected, totally unexpected and holy-fecking-hell-are-you-kidding-me unexpected.
I thought I’d be as ok as one can be when faced with Jasper’s death. But it’s really hit both of us harder than we expected. I’ve not wanted to talk much about it or share the extent to which this has been affecting me for fear…I guess fear of people dismissing my grief. Because Jasper was a cat.
But than I thought screw it. He was an awesome furry little guy. And that should be celebrated. And it’s ok that I feel this upset over his death. He was family. I’ve posted a few things since about it, and I have to say I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed by nothing but kindness, love and support from people both near and far – and it’s helped *immensely* – so thank you.
I’m glad I didn’t just totally hide away and say nothing, because that would have been ignoring what had happened as well as the pain. And for as horrible as we’ve both felt, I think facing it head on has been better for us dealing with it in the long run.
September is finally here now, and things are speeding a long at what feels like a break neck pace. I’m trying to look forward to some pretty wonderful things which are soon on the horizon, but no matter what though, Jasper’s in my heart and etched on my skin. #catlady4life <3
“I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul.” – Jean Cocteau